Southgate’s World Cup Plans in Ruins as Fifth-Choice Right-Back Quits

England manager Gareth Southgate was reportedly left blindsided by Tariq Lamptey’s decision to switch nationality after the Brighton right-back announced his decision to represent Ghana.

According to sources inside the England camp, Lamptey was viewed as an essential component within Southgate’s pioneering new eight right-back system which is set to debut at this year’s Qatar World Cup. Alongside Kyle Walker, Reece James, Trent Alexander-Arnold, Aaron Wan-Bissaka, Kieran Trippier, James Justin and Matty Cash, the plan was to use Lamptey to create overloads on the right side of the field while one of the other seven right-sided fullbacks whipped in crosses to England frontmen Harry Kane and Tammy Abraham.

Southgate held crunch talks with Lamptey back in March of this year but after assuring Lamptey that being England’s fifth-choice right-back is better than being England’s first-choice left-back, he thought he’d done enough to convince the Brighton star to stick with England. When news of Lamptey’s decision broke, the Three Lions boss was said to be apoplectic – an unnamed member of Gareth Southgate’s coaching staff told us that Southgate locked himself in his office, tore off his waistcoat, and penned an angry letter to the Ghanaian FA as Frankee’s 2004 hit ‘Fuck You Right Back’ played on repeat – the music so loud that it could be heard during an England U9s game where parents were left incensed by the song’s x-rated lyrics.

Southampton’s Kyle Walker-Peters is now expected to take Lamptey’s place in the starting lineup, however, with only Luke Ayling and Max Aarons left to cover for England’s eight starting right-backs, Southgate is concerned that he’ll be left without a plan B in the event of an injury or late-game fatigue. One source told us that Southgate has reached out to Gary Neville in case of emergency, with the England manager favouring the ability to play right-back over fitness, match sharpness, or even talent.

Brighton vs Chelsea to Go Ahead Despite Bubonic Plague Outbreak

Chelsea’s clash with Brighton and Hove Albion WILL go ahead despite a devastating outbreak of the bubonic plague. The rare but highly-infectious disease has left 16 players, as well as six members of Chelsea’s coaching staff, hospitalised, with at least four expected to die.

Archie Butler-Port and 9-year-old Duron Walker-Carter have been included in the first-team squad.

Chelsea filed a request over the weekend asking for Tuesday night’s tie to be postponed. However, Premier League bosses rejected their application, insisting that Chelsea give their U12s a chance – the only age group at Cobham currently unaffected by the outbreak. It’s understood, 11-year-old Archie Butler-Port and 9-year-old Duron Walker-Carter will join up with the first-team squad on Monday, pending the approval of their respective headteachers.

Reece James put on a brave face for social media but is said to be in critical condition.

Chelsea Women’s manager Emma Hayes is now likely to step in for the bedridden Thomas Tuchel, who tested positive for the plague on Saturday evening. Speaking from his hospital bed, Tuchel seemed irate, telling reporters via video link: ‘It’s a joke, we have 22 cases of the plague but apparently no case as far as the League is concerned. So much for player safety, I suppose.’

Elsewhere, Liverpool’s Carabao Cup clash with Arsenal has been called off after the mother of a Liverpool ball boy tested positive for Covid-19. The game will now take place after the conclusion of the African Cup of Nations.

The Manchester United Black Friday Sale is now on!

Get on down to Old Trafford and grab yourself a bargain!

LMA Issue Statement on Behalf of All Managers, Collectively Rejecting the Spurs Job

The LMA has issued a joint statement on behalf of all of its members, turning down the vacant managerial position at Tottenham Hotspur.

Following a succession of failed talks with the likes of Julian Nagelsmann, Brendan Rodgers, Hans-Dieter Flick, Erik ten Hag, Mauricio Pochettino, Antonio Conte, Paulo Fonseca, Gennaro Gattuso, Ted Lasso, Mike Bassett, and Alan Partridge, the trade union, which represents Premier League, EFL and national team managers, sought to protect their members from further time-wasting efforts by Daniel Levy and his cohort.

The statement read:

On behalf of all of our members, the LMA would like to collectively reject the current vacancy at Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.

The prospect of managing the likes of Dele Alli, Eric Dier and Davison Sanchez is an opportunity which our members have no interest in pursuing at this current time.

Furthermore, our members don’t feel that achieving success on a transfer budget of ‘whatever we can sell Serge Aurier for’ is in any way feasible, especially without Harry Kane in next season’s squad. We are a trade union for football managers, not miracle workers.

Lastly, we ask Daniel Levy to stop reminding our members about the size of his stadium. After all, it’s not about the size of the stadium, it’s what you do with it.

Sincerely,

The League Managers Association.

LEAKED: European Super League Teams Set to Adopt New Franchise Names and Crests

As the footballing world deals with the fallout from Sunday night’s European Super League’s announcement, more news has leaked about the proposed league that will undoubtedly shock the footballing world.

According to leaked documents, all twelve participating clubs are set for a controversial rebrand, with each being given a new ‘franchise’ name. Super League lawyers believe that the move could help their teams avoid future legal trouble, while founders of the Super League think it will help the league appeal to a larger, English speaking audience.

You can view all twelve of the proposed new franchise logos below.

Inter Milan will now be known as the Milan Grass Snakes.

Inter’s long standing rivals AC Milan have adopted the Milan Black Devils title.

Juve’s new name is a play on the club’s nickname.

Real are one of the few teams set to maintain elements from their previous crest, and will now be known as the Madrid Royals.

Atletico are now set to go by the Mattress Makers.

Barcelona have embraced the Catalonian flag.

The boys from West London will now go by the London Blue Lions

The Gunners are now the London Gunners.

The Tottenham Hotspur Stadium will now host the London White Cocks.

The men from Old Trafford took inspiration from the club’s ‘red devils’ nickname.

Manchester City are now the Manchester Blue Moons

Liverpool’s new identity incorporates the nearby River Mersey.

Go Go Glasgow Rangers

Congratulations to Rangers. 20/21 SPFL Champions

Kits Inspired by Your Favourite TV Shows (Part 1)

From The Simpsons to South Park, The Total FootBull team have designed a series of football kits inspired by your favourite television shows. Drop us a comment below and let us know your favourite…

Taking inspiration from The Simpsons’ opening titles, this kit is emblazoned with the blue skies of Springfield and in sponsored by Homer’s favourite lager, Duff Beer.

Little Britain’s bright pink Kappa strip takes inspiration from Vicky Pollard’s tracksuits and is sponsored by Marjorie Dawes’ employer, Fat Fighters. Dust. Anybody? No? Dust.

Eric Cartman served as the muse for South Park’s slick City Wok-sponsored jersey.

Dropping off the back of a lorry near you, this bright yellow strip borrows its colour from Del Boy’s three-wheel Reliant and is sponsored by none other than the Trotters Independent Trading Company. Made by Abibas, it wouldn’t be Only Fools if it wasn’t a knock off.

Sponsored by Gus Fring’s Los Pollos Hermanos, this Socceroo-esque design is influenced by Walt and Jesse’s yellow hazmat suits.

Look out for part two next week, where we’ll be taking on The Office, Friends, and a few more of your on-screen favourites.

Tuchel Takes Player Criticism Step Further, Hosts Comedy Roast of Chelsea Squad

Following his harsh criticism of Callum Hudson-Odoi and Tammy Abraham after Saturday’s 1-1 draw with Southampton, Chelsea coach Thomas Tuchel has taken things a step further, hosting a no holds barred Comedy Central-style roast of his Chelsea squad.

As the players arrived at Chelsea’s Cobham training ground on Monday morning, they were led towards the canteen area where multiple rows of chairs had been set out for them, all facing towards an unoccupied microphone stand.

Once the players were seated, manager Thomas Tuchel appeared from behind a curtain and took to the makeshift stage that had been set up for him. The Chelsea boss gestured for a round of applause from his players before swiftly laying into his team: ‘Okay, before we get started, some Covid news. The UK government has identified 16 new strains in the past week. 15 of them were linked to Christian Pulisic’s hamstring.’ Failing to see the funny side of Tuchel’s comments, the American reportedly hobbled out of the canteen in anger.

Undeterred, the manager proceeded to tear the rest of his Chelsea squad a new one, next turning his attention to out-of-favour left-back Ben Chilwell.

‘Is Chilly in the building? Where are you, Ben? Stand up for me’, the Chelsea boss waited for the defender to rise before continuing, ‘people ask me why we call Ben Chilwell, “Chilly”, I tell them, “it’s because I’m freezing him out of the squad.” You can sit back down now, Ben, you’re getting good at that.’

After each joke, the German let out a loud purposeful laugh, which grew noticeably stronger as the routine went on, while his assistant Arno Michels made sure to punctuate each gag with a ‘ba dum tss.’

He then mocked Thiago Silva’s age, made the customary Marcus Alonso car crash joke, and later went in on striker Timo Werner, saying: ‘He’s fast and he’s German so he always arrives first to the pool, but when he throws down his towel he misses the sun lounger.’

On the subject of low-hanging fruit, backup goalkeeper Kepa wasn’t spared the managers wrath either: ‘Oh Kepa, we all give Kepa a hard time, but he’s no different from any other young man living in London, he’s worried about job security and finds it incredibly hard to save.’

With over an hour on the clock, the manager finally brought his performance to a close, and if their faces were anything to go by, the Chelsea squad weren’t impressed – with only N’Golo Kante left smiling at the end.

How well Chelsea’s players will respond to Tuchel’s impromptu roast remains to be seen, but if his team fall flat in tonight’s tie with Atletico Madrid, it’s safe to say that the joke will most certainly be on him.

Alisson Diagnosed With Kepatitis

Following Saturday’s late-game collapse against Leicester, Liverpool goalkeeper Alisson has been diagnosed with Kepatitis.

The Liverpool backroom team sought expert medical opinion after another blunder from their star stopper; the Brazilian has now made 7 errors leading to goals since joining the club back in 2018.

The condition was first discovered by the Chelsea medical staff last season after goalkeeper Kepa Arrizabalaga forgot how to use his hands and brain. And after 3 costly errors in the space of just two games, Liverpool’s coaching staff began to notice parallels between the two highly-priced goalkeepers.

The symptoms associated with Kepatitis are wide-ranging but, most commonly, the condition has an adverse effect on a goalkeeper’s handling, reflexes, and spatial awareness, while also seriously hampering their decision making.

The keeper underwent a series of scans on Saturday evening.

We don’t yet know if a correlation exists between the severity of the condition and a goalkeeper’s price tag, though, notably, the two hit hardest by the illness also happen to be the two most expensive goalkeepers in football history.

Whether Alisson will miss time as a result of his diagnosis remains to be seen, but whatever Liverpool do decide to do, the team at Total FootBull will be wishing him an extra speedy recovery. Get well soon champ 🙏

Saliba Records Mikel Arteta Diss Track – EXCLUSIVE SNIPPET

Arsenal loanee William Saliba is back at it again. Following his controversial interview with French outlet RMC, during which Saliba criticised Arsenal boss Mikel Arteta, the French centre-back has escalated tensions further by recording a Mikel Arteta diss track.

Last week Saliba told press: ‘He [Arteta] judged me on two and a half matches. I would have liked for him to play me more. But he told me I wasn’t ready.’ This week, the defender has taken to the mic to offer a scathing rebuke of the Arsenal boss, as well as some of his Arsenal teammates, clearly still peeved by his lack of game time under Arteta.

While the full song is yet to be released, Total FootBull is able to bring you an exclusive snippet which you can listen to below:

Hook:
Arteta, je suis better than David Luiz/ Arteta, gone regret(a) not playing me g
Arsenal’s best defender? That’s Willie Sali(ba)/ Arteta’s best defender, ask AFTV (please)

Verse:
Hey Mikel Arteta, why you so upset, huh?/ I’ll fire shots like Lacazette and pull out my Beretta
Hey Mikel Arteta, why you so upset, huh? Fire shots like Aubameyang, all you’ll hear is bang bang bang

It’s not yet clear whether the Spaniard will respond, though he was reportedly apoplectic upon hearing the diss. Sources close to Arteta claim that he’s since reached out to Bradley Wright-Phillips, Lord of the Mics participant and son of Arsenal legend Ian Wright, as he gets to grips with penning a retort.

Whatever happens from here, it’s safe to say that Arteta has 99 problems right now, and William Saliba is certainly one.