Abramovich Thinks Grant Can Help Lampard

According to reports in Russia, Roman Abramovich believes Grant could be the man to help Frank Lampard’s fledgling Chelsea side and is looking to bring Phil Mitchell’s 56-year-old brother to Stamford Bridge.

The Eastenders’ star, played by Ross Kemp, caught the attention of the Chelsea owner on a recent trip to the UK. Sources claim that Roman was impressed by Grant’s toughness after watching an Eastenders rerun in his hotel room.

At times this season, Lampard’s team have been accused of lacking leadership, and the Russian thinks Grant could help instil some much-needed strength and grit into Lampard’s youthful squad.

However, Roman will have to wait to get his man. The Barking-born TV personality first has media commitments to fulfil, including the filming of his latest series Ross Kemp on VAR, which according to his agent, could run into early February.

Scott Parker Forced to Cancel Family Zoom Quiz

Fulham manager Scott Parker is reportedly incensed after the Premier League rescheduled his side’s game with Tottenham Hotspur at short notice, the new date clashing with Parker’s family Zoom quiz.

The manager spent the early part of the week studying European flags, American presidents, and pop hits of the 90s. But now, with just 48 hours to prepare, he’ll need to switch his focus to Jose Mourinho’s high-flying Spurs side and the deadly duo of Heung-min Son and Harry Kane.

Speaking in his pre-match press conference, Parker said: ‘I am angry because it’s not right. It’s wrong. It’s our turn to host the family Zoom quiz on Wednesday, my wife Carly has been planning it for weeks. Harry, Benji, Paddy, their kids, they’re all gonna be there. My kids too, but without their father. It’s not right.’

The Zoom quiz will now go ahead without the former England international, with sources close to the family stating: ‘Of course, they all wanted Scott on the call, particularly for the sports round, but they simply couldn’t reschedule at such short notice.’

Donald Trump Claims FA Cup Draw was Rigged

Following another easy draw for FA Cup frontrunners Manchester City, Donald Trump posted a message on the official @POTUS Bebo account claiming that the FA draw was ‘rigged.’

After City secured a plum draw against League 2 side Cheltenham Town, their two closest rivals, Liverpool and Manchester United, were then drawn against each other – raising eyebrows among members of the online football community.

Trump believes that the City Football Group, headed by Sheikh Mansour, are ‘totally corrupt,’ and that ‘they’re stealing the FA Cup,’ adding that the only way to prevent future corruption would be to ‘place a travel ban on all Premier League owners coming in from Muslim countries.’

Trump also spoke about the Manchester side’s Carabao Cup dominance, claiming ‘they’ve already rigged the Caribbean Cup… five finals in six years, it’s impossible. You’d have to be stupid to believe that. It’s truly impossible.’

Despite no evidence of wrongdoing on the part of Manchester City or the FA, Trump has called on ‘true’ Manchester United and Liverpool fans to storm Wembley Stadium and ‘stop the steal.’ The FA are now said to be on high alert.

Benjamin Mendy Suspended Following Mass Orgy at Manchester City Training Ground

It was a day like any other for Kevin De Bruyne. He woke up, brushed his teeth, ate his breakfast, and then made his way to the Manchester City training facility situated at the club’s Eithad Campus.

However, upon arrival, Kevin was presented with something out of the ordinary. His designated parking spot was occupied – filled by an unfamiliar red Vauxhall Corsa. Now, this might not seem particularly strange had it not been that his teammates’ spaces were also taken. Hoping someone might come and lay claim to this mysterious row of vehicles, the players waited patiently inside their cars.

5, 10, 15 minutes passed, still no sign of anyone. With nowhere else for them to park, the players abandoned their cars outside and headed into the club’s training complex, hoping they might track down the owners.

Upon entering the facility, the players’ attentions were drawn to a chorus of moans and high-pitched screams coming from the direction of the first team dressing room, this ‘sent the players into shock’, according to Rodri. Fearful one of their teammates could be in danger, Kevin De Bruyne, flanked by Ederson and Aymeric Laporte, followed the sounds of the screams to the dressing room door. Using extreme caution, De Bruyne then eased the door open.

The City players were left flabbergasted.

Awaiting them was a mass of bodies, sweatier than Trevor Nelson’s scalp, tangled and intertwined, reminiscent of Harry Maguire’s man-marking during a corner kick. Stood in shock, the City players struggled to make sense of it all. Who was this seedy ensemble debasing their dressing room? Where did they all come from? And most importantly, who let them in?

Their answer was staring them right in the face. Amid this sordid sea of sexual activity stood their teammate, Benjamin Mendy, making sweet love to a pair of voluptuous Greek pornstars.

‘Benji, what the f**k?!’

That was the cry of Man City vice-captain Kevin De Bruyne, a cry which would bring the orgy to a standstill and ultimately to its climax. ‘What time is it?’, quizzed the fully-erect Frenchman. A seething De Bruyne shook his head in reply, enraged by his teammate’s actions.

Mendy recently faced backlash for flouting lockdown rules, after flying a girl over from Greece for a four-day romp.

The half-naked attendees hurried to gather their belongings, apologising profusely to the City squad as they departed the dressing room, before collecting their respective car keys from a bowl by the front desk.

What followed was an awkward, almost comedic logjam inside the City parking lot, as the orgy-goers, most of whom still semi-nude, attempted to manoeuvre their vehicles past the queue of sports cars and 4x4s waiting to make their way into the facility.

By then, Mendy was stood outside the training complex, apologising to anyone that would listen, all while wearing a women’s blouse. It’s believed someone else picked up his clothes by mistake.

Following a string of recent misdemeanours, this could be the final straw for the French full-back. Mendy is now expected to be suspended until the latter end of the 20/21 season, and as a result of the violation, Manchester City’s upcoming fixtures against Brighton and Crystal Palace have also been plunged into doubt.

Chelsea Still Keen on a Deal for Rice, Negotiations Underway

According to multiple reports, Chelsea are still keen on a deal for rice this January. The club’s hierarchy are pushing hard to secure an agreement between the two parties, and hope to have a deal over the line before the end of the month.

However, negotiations have so far reached a stumbling block with Uncle Ben’s refusing to budge on their £3 per kilo asking price. The Chelsea board also have several cheaper options on the table, and while Uncle Ben’s rice is undoubtedly their first choice, they’re willing to look elsewhere if their proposed deal is rebuffed.

It’s understood the club are willing to go as high as £2.65 per kilo and are prepared to offer a 6-year deal with add-ons to the Mars-owned outfit.

In the meantime, this leaves Chelsea’s club canteen short on much-needed carbohydrate sources during a time when Chelsea’s squad have looked leggy, lethargic, and low on energy.

Sheffield United Fixtures Postponed After Government Suspends Amateur Sport

Sheffield United’s upcoming fixtures have been postponed indefinitely following the suspension of amateur sport in the UK.

As of midnight, amateur clubs across the country will be banned from taking part in organised sport. The rest of the Premier League will remain unaffected by the new measures, with the government allowing elite competition to continue. However, despite their top flight status, Sheffield United do not currently meet that criteria, having collected just 2 points from their last 17 games.

The club is expected to appeal but the process is a lengthy one. It’s understood that each player would have to successfully perform 50 kick-ups in front of Grant Huddleston, the Minister for Sport, before any decision could be overturned.

Assuming Chris Wilder’s men fall short in their bid, and with the government unlikely to ease measures before mid-February, Blades’ fans could be waiting until their game against West Ham at the London Stadium (13/02) before seeing their team suit up again.

Reguilón Injured After Strong Condemnation From Tottenham Bosses

Spanish full-back Sergio Reguilón could be set for an extended spell on the sidelines following an incident at Tottenham’s Enfield Training Centre.

According to eyewitnesses, having been strongly condemned by Jose Mourinho and Spurs owner, Dan Levy, Reguilón went down clutching his left knee in agony and was stretchered off by club doctors.

The club issued the condemnation after the Spaniard was pictured celebrating Christmas alongside teammates Giovani Lo Celso, Erik Lamela, and their respective families, in a clear breach of Premier League Covid regulations.

The punishment was undoubtedly warranted but the Tottenham hierarchy now faces questions about the strength of their condemnation, with fans calling it ‘needlessly reckless’, ‘dangerous’, and ‘not in the Christmas spirit’.

Lo Celso and Lamela also picked up knocks following their condemnations and are both expected to miss 10 days of action while Reguilón will begin his recovery on the bench against Leeds.

Kroenke Flies in Rams Quarterback to Show Bellerin How to Throw a Ball

Following a succession of foul throws by Hector Bellerin in recent weeks, Stan Kroenke has taken matters into his own hands – turning to his NFL team for assistance.

The much-criticised Arsenal owner has flown in Jared Goff, quarterback for the LA Rams, to teach Bellerin how to throw a ball.

The Spaniard has managed 5 foul throws already this season, a league high, and Kroenke hopes his QB will help Bellerin overcome his throw-in faux pas.

Goff, the first overall pick in the 2016 NFL draft, spent the early part of the week working with the Arsenal full-back while the rest of the team took part in tactical drills. Asked how the sessions went, a club insider told us: ‘Hector can now successfully identify zone coverage and can hit a receiver mid-stride, 60 yards downfield, though he still can’t take a throw-in’.

Goff is now expected to return home ahead of the Rams’ Thursday Night Football showdown against the New England Patriots, and Arsenal’s Thursday night football tie with the mighty Dundalk.

Ronaldo Will Rejoin Manchester United on One Condition

Following Tuesday night’s embarrassing Champions League exit against Leipzig, we have some news that might boost United fans’ moods. According to reports in Italy, Cristiano Ronaldo has opened the door to a stunning Old Trafford return.

However, before he trades the black and white of the Old Lady for the zebra-like black and white of United, the striker has put forward one important condition – if he rejoins Manchester United, he’s taking penalties.

United have benefited from a purple patch of favourable decisions over the past few seasons and this hasn’t gone unnoticed by Ronaldo. The forward thinks he can capitalise on the astonishing number of penalties United have been awarded lately, seeing it as a way to continue his record-breaking goalscoring feats into old age.

The Red Devils have had 31 penalties kicks since the beginning of the 19/20 season – 8 more than the Old Lady have taken during that time – and they’re averaging a penalty every 2 games this term. For Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s team, the pen truly has been mightier than the sword.

United fans will undoubtedly be excited about a CR7 return, though it’s not without its potential problems. Bringing back Ronaldo would mean taking away spot-kick duties from Old Trafford favourite, Bruno Fernandes. The two countrymen have both built up stellar reputations from the spot, earning them the nicknames ‘Penaldo’ and ‘Penandes’ respectively, and neither will want to give up penalty-taking responsibilities. With Pogba heading for the exit and Van De Beek struggling to hold down a regular first-team place, will United risk upsetting another midfield star in an attempt to lure back the biggest star of all?

Chelsea Fans Urged to Wear Kepa Arrizabalaga Face Masks

Ahead of tonight’s Champion League match against Krasnodar, Chelsea will be distributing Kepa Arrizabalaga face masks to their 2000 visiting fans.

With face coverings being made mandatory inside the stadium, a club spokesperson urged fans to wear their Kepa-themed masks: ‘While the club has put in place various health and safety protocols to tackle the spread of the coronavirus, a Kepa face mask will ensure our supporters don’t catch anything.’

When asked about the decision to feature Kepa, the club responded: ‘Kepa has been exemplary throughout the pandemic, always keeping a safe social distance between himself and any shots on target.’

The troubled Spaniard is expected to make his first appearance since a niggling shoulder injury, caused by shouldering so much of the blame for the club’s poor defensive record.