Saudi Arabia Step in as Euro 2021 Host

Shockwaves have been sent through the footballing world today after UEFA announced that the 2021 European Championship will now be played in Saudi Arabia, following a successful meeting with the Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman.

Despite strong opposition from the FA, the decision is said to be final and Saudi Arabia are expected to begin preparations as early as next week. UEFA bosses have cited the Gulf nation’s excellent Covid-19 record as one of the deciding factors behind awarding them the tournament, and have that claimed money was never even a consideration, in a statement issued to press from a recently-acquired UEFA yacht.

When questioned by media about Saudi Arabia’s appalling human rights record, unforgiving climate and unusual location, a UEFA spokesperson offered a strongly worded retort defending their new hosts, saying: ‘Saudi Arabia is a proud and progressive nation, any lies you have heard are no doubt a result of Western propaganda, and it’s actually more reminiscent of Europe than you might think. The women are even allowed to drive nowadays.’

Mohammed bin Salman proudly announced that no expense would be spared, telling reporters: ‘Nothing will stop our stadiums from being completed on time, no matter the financial cost or the cost to human life.’

‘If Qatar can manage 6,500 dead workers then I’d like to think that, in the time we have, we could at least double that,’ he later added.

The entire tournament is now expected to be held between the 16th June and the 3rd of July, with the bottom team in each group expected to be hanged at the closing ceremony.

Roy Keane SLAMS Wife’s Performance in Bed

A characteristically scathing Roy Keane has critically analysed a disappointing sexual encounter with his wife on Thursday evening. The outburst took place during a live recording of what was supposed to be analysis of Liverpool’s Saturday showdown with Leicester.

‘There was no passion, no drive, no hunger,’ began the former Ireland international, speaking from the Sky Sports studio as an alarmed Micah Richards and David Jones watched on. ‘After more than 20 years of experience, you never imagine you’ll see a performance like that. The least you expect is a little bit of movement in the box.’ 

‘A big of sluggishness can be expected on a wet playing surface, but sometimes it was like she didn’t know what position she was supposed to be in.’

Despite Jones’s attempts to bring the conversation back to Leicester’s defending from set plays, Keane pushed forward with his tirade, uninterested in the endless debate about zonal vs man marking. ‘And what’s with all this kissing and hugging? Back in my day you just disappeared down the tunnel and went home.’

Richards, sniffing an opportunity to further enrage his fellow pundit, gently reminded him that his wife Theresa has lost a yard or two. In typical fashion, Keane rounded on Richards, telling him that his wife had a job to do and that she can’t keep living off past triumphs.

‘I learnt that the hard way with United.’