Alisson Diagnosed With Kepatitis

Following Saturday’s late-game collapse against Leicester, Liverpool goalkeeper Alisson has been diagnosed with Kepatitis.

The Liverpool backroom team sought expert medical opinion after another blunder from their star stopper; the Brazilian has now made 7 errors leading to goals since joining the club back in 2018.

The condition was first discovered by the Chelsea medical staff last season after goalkeeper Kepa Arrizabalaga forgot how to use his hands and brain. And after 3 costly errors in the space of just two games, Liverpool’s coaching staff began to notice parallels between the two highly-priced goalkeepers.

The symptoms associated with Kepatitis are wide-ranging but, most commonly, the condition has an adverse effect on a goalkeeper’s handling, reflexes, and spatial awareness, while also seriously hampering their decision making.

The keeper underwent a series of scans on Saturday evening.

We don’t yet know if a correlation exists between the severity of the condition and a goalkeeper’s price tag, though, notably, the two hit hardest by the illness also happen to be the two most expensive goalkeepers in football history.

Whether Alisson will miss time as a result of his diagnosis remains to be seen, but whatever Liverpool do decide to do, the team at Total FootBull will be wishing him an extra speedy recovery. Get well soon champ 🙏

Saliba Records Mikel Arteta Diss Track – EXCLUSIVE SNIPPET

Arsenal loanee William Saliba is back at it again. Following his controversial interview with French outlet RMC, during which Saliba criticised Arsenal boss Mikel Arteta, the French centre-back has escalated tensions further by recording a Mikel Arteta diss track.

Last week Saliba told press: ‘He [Arteta] judged me on two and a half matches. I would have liked for him to play me more. But he told me I wasn’t ready.’ This week, the defender has taken to the mic to offer a scathing rebuke of the Arsenal boss, as well as some of his Arsenal teammates, clearly still peeved by his lack of game time under Arteta.

While the full song is yet to be released, Total FootBull is able to bring you an exclusive snippet which you can listen to below:

Hook:
Arteta, je suis better than David Luiz/ Arteta, gone regret(a) not playing me g
Arsenal’s best defender? That’s Willie Sali(ba)/ Arteta’s best defender, ask AFTV (please)

Verse:
Hey Mikel Arteta, why you so upset, huh?/ I’ll fire shots like Lacazette and pull out my Beretta
Hey Mikel Arteta, why you so upset, huh? Fire shots like Aubameyang, all you’ll hear is bang bang bang

It’s not yet clear whether the Spaniard will respond, though he was reportedly apoplectic upon hearing the diss. Sources close to Arteta claim that he’s since reached out to Bradley Wright-Phillips, Lord of the Mics participant and son of Arsenal legend Ian Wright, as he gets to grips with penning a retort.

Whatever happens from here, it’s safe to say that Arteta has 99 problems right now, and William Saliba is certainly one.

Klopp Regretting Giving It the Big’un After First Title Win

After a 6th successive Anfield defeat, and with Liverpool’s title defence in tatters, it’s believed Jurgen Klopp is regretting ‘giving it the big’un’ after winning his first Premier League trophy.

The accusation was first put to him by Frank Lampard following a tense touchline bust-up last July, with the ex-Chelsea boss telling Klopp, ‘only title you’ve ever won and you’re f***ing giving it the big un, f*** off!’

While Klopp initially laughed off Lampard’s suggestions, sources close to the Liverpool boss say the German has grown increasingly superstitious about the ex-Chelsea man’s comments and has questioned privately whether Lampard was right. A concerned Klopp reportedly told one assistant: ‘The success has gone to our heads. We’ve known all along that Trent can’t defend. And we know why nobody notices Firmino’s contributions… because he doesn’t f***ing make any. How could we have been so naive?!’

In recent weeks, in a bid to reverse a lacklustre run of results which has left his side labouring in 8th, the Liverpool boss has been drilling his players on the importance of humility, even bringing in boxing superstar Anthony Joshua to give a pre-match team talk. In a largely ambiguous 3-minute-long speech, AJ told Liverpool players: ‘You’ve just gotta stay humble.’

If Joshua’s talk hadn’t already done the trick, it’s safe to say that Liverpool were well and truly brought back down to earth after Sunday’s 1-0 defeat at the hands of relegation battlers Fulham.

Lampard Set to Take Over as Amazon Boss

According to reports in Seattle, Frank Lampard is set to replace world’s richest man, Jeff Bezos, as Amazon boss – a job he has absolutely zero qualifications for.

Bezos stepped down yesterday following the announcement of Amazon’s Q4 earnings, and as the news spread, the company’s share price soon began to plummet. It’s believed that the strong market reaction forced the board’s hand, and with Tuchel, Pochettino, and Allardyce now unavailable, Amazon turned their attention to the recently-axed Blues boss.

Lampard, 42, built a career arriving late into the box, but will now be tasked with making boxes arrive early. And while his lack of experience may offer investors cause for concern, the ex-Chelsea man will once again have unlimited resources at his disposal and is looking to bring in the best talent available, providing they’re not German.

Jody Morris, Lampard’s right-hand man, is also set to join him stateside and is expected to take charge of Amazon’s flourishing Web Services business. Asked what Jody would bring to Amazon, Frank said: ‘You know as well as I, the internet is a young man’s game, and Jody has a lot of experience working with the youngsters.’

One person who won’t be heading to Seattle anytime soon is Mason Mount, with Lampard telling reporters, ‘my kids will be staying in London for the time being.’

When pressed about his plans for Amazon’s future, Lampard offered a stark warning to shareholders, telling them not to expect immediate results: ‘The company’s has had a great run these last 8 or 9 years but we’re now entering a transitional period, new ideas will need to be implemented, and I’d be lying if I said there wouldn’t be losses along the way.’

Following the press conference, Amazon’s share price dropped 3 points, something Lampard’s former employer will know all about.

Liverpool in the Running to Sign Any Centre-Back with a Pulse

According to reports on Merseyside, Liverpool are in the running to sign anyone alive willing to play centre-back for them.

Following a tough start to the season which has seen the club lose all 3 of their starting CBs to injury, as well as frequent fill-in Fabinho, Liverpool are now in dire need of defensive reinforcements. Jurgen Klopp has expressed an interest in RB Leipzig’s Dayot Upamecano but the board won’t fork out for a top-tier defender in January, so have signed Ben Davies from Preston instead. Now, with the transfer deadline fast approaching, the Premier League champions are searching for someone to partner Davies at the heart of their pound saver menu defence.

Club officials had originally planned to bring in Meikayla Moore and Niamh Fahey from the Liverpool Women’s Team – both were practicing putting on a deep voice, with the two hoping to disguise themselves by going for a short back and sides. However, with new restrictions requiring barbers to close across the country, the club was forced to pivot.

Since then, the club has held talks with several free agents including Neven Subotic, Ezequial Garay, Pascal Cygan, Jean-Alain Boumsong, Jeremy Lynch, Steve Bruce, John Terry, Jamie Carragher, Titus Bramble, Sami Hyypia, Marc Klopp (son of Jurgen), Martin Skrtel, David Unsworth, Philippe Senderos, Kem from Love Island, Richard Dunne, Lucas Radebe, Sylvain Distin, Nemanja Vidic, Wes Brown, Winston Bogarde, Marcel Desailly, Roque Junior, John Bishop, Joleon Lescott, Rio Ferdinand, Anton Ferdinand, and Emerson Thome.

So far, all of the 273 defenders contacted by the club have rejected their proposed pay packet, with the Fenway Sports Group unwilling to cough up more than £2000-a-week + subs.

The clock is now ticking on the Premier League title holders. Will they get their man (or woman) in time?

Reddit Traders Inflated Pepe’s Price Tag, Says Edu

According to Arsenal’s technical director Edu, Reddit traders were to blame for driving up Pepe’s eye-watering price tag.

The Ivorian winger was acquired from Lille in 2019 for a staggering £72m, a move which raised eyebrows within the football community and even amongst Arsenal’s own board, who launched an internal investigation into his signing late last year. His lacklustre performances since have done little to alleviate their concerns, and the club are increasingly worried about the possibility of recouping their fee. Edu has told them to hold the line.

Edu didn’t clarify whether the Redditor theory was a result of the club’s internal investigation, or merely a chance to deflect blame and capitalise on this week’s Wall Street drama.

How Reddit traders could have achieved such a goal is not yet apparent. Some say they formed a 3rd party ownership group, while sources close to the club claim members of r/WallStreetBets bought millions of Pepe shares on Football Index, sending his valuation skyrocketing.

Edu’s comments, while tough to believe, have also raised questions about other stars’ exorbitant transfer fees, with fans asking if Reddit traders helped inflate the fees of Harry Maguire, Kepa Arrizabalaga, and even Willian who joined Arsenal on a free last summer.

Whatever the truth of the situation, as long as Pepe’s playing in red, it’s unlikely Arsenal will be going #ToTheMoon

Thiago Silva Becomes First Premier League Player to be Vaccinated

Chelsea star Thiago Silva has become the first Premier League player to be given the Pfizer Covid-19 jab.

The NHS is prioritising care workers and the elderly during the early phases of the UK’s vaccine rollout, the Brazil captain falling into the latter category.

Following the jab, Silva was pictured outside Chelsea and Westminster hospital, proudly showing off his I got my Covid-19 vaccine sticker. Speaking to reporters, he asked: ‘Who are you? Where am I?’

At an age when most players would have already retired, Silva continues to defy father time. And while the Brazilian has had a stellar campaign so far, he’ll be hoping that the vaccine provides better protection than some of his defensive colleagues.

Now with Chelsea’s star centre-back safely vaccinated, Covid-19 joins Manchester United, Manchester City, and Leicester on a list of things Thiago Silva won’t be catching this season.

Richard Branson Agrees Deal to Purchase Football Twitter

Football Twitter is set to be brought under the Virgin umbrella.

According to reports, billionaire business mogul Sir Richard Branson has agreed a deal in principle to purchase ‘Football Twitter’, a sub-community belonging to the popular social media platform Twitter.

Once the deal is finalised, all FT accounts will be transferred to Branson’s new social media platform Virgin Opinions.

Key figures within the social media sphere have dubbed the purchase a ‘massive dub’ for Sir Richard, who now brings this thriving online community of prepubescent boys under his Virgin umbrella.

It’s not immediately apparent how Twitter will separate standard profiles from ‘FT’ accounts, though keywords such as ‘generational’, ‘ratioed’, ‘reactionary’, and ‘idolo’, could act as useful identifiers for the team in charge of this daunting logistical task.

Kepa to Attend Bedwetting Therapy After Latest Gaffe

Chelsea goalkeeper Kepa Arrizabalaga is scheduled to attend bedwetting therapy in a bid to help him keep a clean sheet.

Kepa’s girlfriend, Andrea Pérez, stumbled across the solution following a desperate late-night Google search, and while the remedy sounds somewhat unorthodox, it could have some merit. Bedwetting therapists are experts in tackling embarrassment and low self-esteem, and have plenty of experience fixing the confidence issues of young men.

One bedwetting expert told us: ‘If you want clean sheets then patience and understanding is key.’ But under-fire Chelsea boss Frank Lampard can ill afford to provide either, with his own job on the line after a string of poor results.

If therapy can restore some of Kepa’s long lost belief, and with Lampard potentially facing the sack, the Spaniard could see himself reinstalled as Chelsea manager – a role he assumed during the 2019 League Cup final.

Whatever happens on the managerial front, after another goalkeeping gaffe against lowly Luton Town, Chelsea fans will be hoping that bedwetting therapy can bring an end to Kepa’s marathon run of piss-poor performances.

Harvey Barnes set to Replace Denzel Washington in The Equalizer 3

Leicester City star Harvey Barnes has been lined up to replace Academy Award winner Denzel Washington in the third instalment of The Equalizer film franchise.

Rumours of Barnes’ involvement began to swirl last month after his name appeared in a leaked excerpt from the film’s screenplay. Barnes already knows plenty about getting even, but rather than rescuing points for The Foxes, it seems he’ll now be rescuing hostages from the clutches of an armed militia.

The leaked excerpt shows Barnes taking on armed militants.

Explaining Denzel’s departure from the franchise, director Antoine Fuqua told reporters: ‘Filming was pushed back because of the pandemic, and Denzel had a few other commitments coming up. Ultimately, we realised we’d need to look elsewhere. Once Harvey became available, we knew we had our guy.’

Asked what the England international would bring to the role, Fuqua added, ‘Harvey’s got everything you might want in an action star, speed, agility, impressive shooting. And seeing Leicester reach the top of the table last week, that shows me that he can succeed against all odds – he’s the human embodiment of the Equalizer.’

Director Antoine Fuqua was spotted with Harvey Barnes last December.

Filming is now expected to begin at the conclusion of the 2020/21 season, either side of the rescheduled Euro 2020 tournament – with Barnes’ big screen debut currently slated for a summer 2022 release.