Brighton vs Chelsea to Go Ahead Despite Bubonic Plague Outbreak

Chelsea’s clash with Brighton and Hove Albion WILL go ahead despite a devastating outbreak of the bubonic plague. The rare but highly-infectious disease has left 16 players, as well as six members of Chelsea’s coaching staff, hospitalised, with at least four expected to die.

Archie Butler-Port and 9-year-old Duron Walker-Carter have been included in the first-team squad.

Chelsea filed a request over the weekend asking for Tuesday night’s tie to be postponed. However, Premier League bosses rejected their application, insisting that Chelsea give their U12s a chance – the only age group at Cobham currently unaffected by the outbreak. It’s understood, 11-year-old Archie Butler-Port and 9-year-old Duron Walker-Carter will join up with the first-team squad on Monday, pending the approval of their respective headteachers.

Reece James put on a brave face for social media but is said to be in critical condition.

Chelsea Women’s manager Emma Hayes is now likely to step in for the bedridden Thomas Tuchel, who tested positive for the plague on Saturday evening. Speaking from his hospital bed, Tuchel seemed irate, telling reporters via video link: ‘It’s a joke, we have 22 cases of the plague but apparently no case as far as the League is concerned. So much for player safety, I suppose.’

Elsewhere, Liverpool’s Carabao Cup clash with Arsenal has been called off after the mother of a Liverpool ball boy tested positive for Covid-19. The game will now take place after the conclusion of the African Cup of Nations.

LEAKED: European Super League Teams Set to Adopt New Franchise Names and Crests

As the footballing world deals with the fallout from Sunday night’s European Super League’s announcement, more news has leaked about the proposed league that will undoubtedly shock the footballing world.

According to leaked documents, all twelve participating clubs are set for a controversial rebrand, with each being given a new ‘franchise’ name. Super League lawyers believe that the move could help their teams avoid future legal trouble, while founders of the Super League think it will help the league appeal to a larger, English speaking audience.

You can view all twelve of the proposed new franchise logos below.

Inter Milan will now be known as the Milan Grass Snakes.
Inter’s long standing rivals AC Milan have adopted the Milan Black Devils title.
Juve’s new name is a play on the club’s nickname.
Real are one of the few teams set to maintain elements from their previous crest, and will now be known as the Madrid Royals.
Atletico are now set to go by the Mattress Makers.
Barcelona have embraced the Catalonian flag.
The boys from West London will now go by the London Blue Lions
The Gunners are now the London Gunners.
The Tottenham Hotspur Stadium will now host the London White Cocks.
The men from Old Trafford took inspiration from the club’s ‘red devils’ nickname.
Manchester City are now the Manchester Blue Moons
Liverpool’s new identity incorporates the nearby River Mersey.

Tuchel Takes Player Criticism Step Further, Hosts Comedy Roast of Chelsea Squad

Following his harsh criticism of Callum Hudson-Odoi and Tammy Abraham after Saturday’s 1-1 draw with Southampton, Chelsea coach Thomas Tuchel has taken things a step further, hosting a no holds barred Comedy Central-style roast of his Chelsea squad.

As the players arrived at Chelsea’s Cobham training ground on Monday morning, they were led towards the canteen area where multiple rows of chairs had been set out for them, all facing towards an unoccupied microphone stand.

Once the players were seated, manager Thomas Tuchel appeared from behind a curtain and took to the makeshift stage that had been set up for him. The Chelsea boss gestured for a round of applause from his players before swiftly laying into his team: ‘Okay, before we get started, some Covid news. The UK government has identified 16 new strains in the past week. 15 of them were linked to Christian Pulisic’s hamstring.’ Failing to see the funny side of Tuchel’s comments, the American reportedly hobbled out of the canteen in anger.

Undeterred, the manager proceeded to tear the rest of his Chelsea squad a new one, next turning his attention to out-of-favour left-back Ben Chilwell.

‘Is Chilly in the building? Where are you, Ben? Stand up for me’, the Chelsea boss waited for the defender to rise before continuing, ‘people ask me why we call Ben Chilwell, “Chilly”, I tell them, “it’s because I’m freezing him out of the squad.” You can sit back down now, Ben, you’re getting good at that.’

After each joke, the German let out a loud purposeful laugh, which grew noticeably stronger as the routine went on, while his assistant Arno Michels made sure to punctuate each gag with a ‘ba dum tss.’

He then mocked Thiago Silva’s age, made the customary Marcus Alonso car crash joke, and later went in on striker Timo Werner, saying: ‘He’s fast and he’s German so he always arrives first to the pool, but when he throws down his towel he misses the sun lounger.’

On the subject of low-hanging fruit, backup goalkeeper Kepa wasn’t spared the managers wrath either: ‘Oh Kepa, we all give Kepa a hard time, but he’s no different from any other young man living in London, he’s worried about job security and finds it incredibly hard to save.’

With over an hour on the clock, the manager finally brought his performance to a close, and if their faces were anything to go by, the Chelsea squad weren’t impressed – with only N’Golo Kante left smiling at the end.

How well Chelsea’s players will respond to Tuchel’s impromptu roast remains to be seen, but if his team fall flat in tonight’s tie with Atletico Madrid, it’s safe to say that the joke will most certainly be on him.

Lampard Set to Take Over as Amazon Boss

According to reports in Seattle, Frank Lampard is set to replace world’s richest man, Jeff Bezos, as Amazon boss – a job he has absolutely zero qualifications for.

Bezos stepped down yesterday following the announcement of Amazon’s Q4 earnings, and as the news spread, the company’s share price soon began to plummet. It’s believed that the strong market reaction forced the board’s hand, and with Tuchel, Pochettino, and Allardyce now unavailable, Amazon turned their attention to the recently-axed Blues boss.

Lampard, 42, built a career arriving late into the box, but will now be tasked with making boxes arrive early. And while his lack of experience may offer investors cause for concern, the ex-Chelsea man will once again have unlimited resources at his disposal and is looking to bring in the best talent available, providing they’re not German.

Jody Morris, Lampard’s right-hand man, is also set to join him stateside and is expected to take charge of Amazon’s flourishing Web Services business. Asked what Jody would bring to Amazon, Frank said: ‘You know as well as I, the internet is a young man’s game, and Jody has a lot of experience working with the youngsters.’

One person who won’t be heading to Seattle anytime soon is Mason Mount, with Lampard telling reporters, ‘my kids will be staying in London for the time being.’

When pressed about his plans for Amazon’s future, Lampard offered a stark warning to shareholders, telling them not to expect immediate results: ‘The company’s has had a great run these last 8 or 9 years but we’re now entering a transitional period, new ideas will need to be implemented, and I’d be lying if I said there wouldn’t be losses along the way.’

Following the press conference, Amazon’s share price dropped 3 points, something Lampard’s former employer will know all about.

Thiago Silva Becomes First Premier League Player to be Vaccinated

Chelsea star Thiago Silva has become the first Premier League player to be given the Pfizer Covid-19 jab.

The NHS is prioritising care workers and the elderly during the early phases of the UK’s vaccine rollout, the Brazil captain falling into the latter category.

Following the jab, Silva was pictured outside Chelsea and Westminster hospital, proudly showing off his I got my Covid-19 vaccine sticker. Speaking to reporters, he asked: ‘Who are you? Where am I?’

At an age when most players would have already retired, Silva continues to defy father time. And while the Brazilian has had a stellar campaign so far, he’ll be hoping that the vaccine provides better protection than some of his defensive colleagues.

Now with Chelsea’s star centre-back safely vaccinated, Covid-19 joins Manchester United, Manchester City, and Leicester on a list of things Thiago Silva won’t be catching this season.

Kepa to Attend Bedwetting Therapy After Latest Gaffe

Chelsea goalkeeper Kepa Arrizabalaga is scheduled to attend bedwetting therapy in a bid to help him keep a clean sheet.

Kepa’s girlfriend, Andrea Pérez, stumbled across the solution following a desperate late-night Google search, and while the remedy sounds somewhat unorthodox, it could have some merit. Bedwetting therapists are experts in tackling embarrassment and low self-esteem, and have plenty of experience fixing the confidence issues of young men.

One bedwetting expert told us: ‘If you want clean sheets then patience and understanding is key.’ But under-fire Chelsea boss Frank Lampard can ill afford to provide either, with his own job on the line after a string of poor results.

If therapy can restore some of Kepa’s long lost belief, and with Lampard potentially facing the sack, the Spaniard could see himself reinstalled as Chelsea manager – a role he assumed during the 2019 League Cup final.

Whatever happens on the managerial front, after another goalkeeping gaffe against lowly Luton Town, Chelsea fans will be hoping that bedwetting therapy can bring an end to Kepa’s marathon run of piss-poor performances.

‘Stop Hugging Your Wives’, Demands Premier League Boss

Footballers must ‘change their behaviours’ to adjust to coronavirus rules both on and off the pitch, the Premier League boss has said, meaning no more hugs – whether that be with teammates, spouses or even their own children.

‘Players need to realise that they’re role models, and while they may not be killing each other, a small child could copy a celebration, pass on the virus, and someone else could die as a result, and if that were to happen, the blame would lay squarely at the feet of the players. And as far as I’m concerned, any player who chooses to celebrate a goal is a murderer,’ Richard Masters told Sky Sports.

Players are now being asked to refrain from showing affection until the end of the season, and as of today, any Premier League player seen hugging another individual will face a hefty fine. Additionally, repeat offenders and cases where hugging leads to kissing will be met with lengthy suspensions. ‘We’re not asking for much here,’ added Masters.

Masters believes players who break the guidelines are murderers.

Julian Knight, the chair of the digital, culture, media and sport committee, welcomed the move, saying: ‘If the players thought Marcus Rashford could just stroll in here and tell us how to do our jobs, embarrassing us in front of the whole country without any repercussions, then they’re sorely mistaken. Now the players will know what it feels like to be blamed.’

Harry Maguire giving a warm hug to Chelsea captain, Cesar Azpilicueta.

The updated measures are expected to prove particularly challenging for England centre-back Harry Maguire, whose hands-on approach to man-marking could fall foul of the new guidelines. However, the new rules aren’t likely to apply to Manchester United players.

Abramovich Thinks Grant Can Help Lampard

According to reports in Russia, Roman Abramovich believes Grant could be the man to help Frank Lampard’s fledgling Chelsea side and is looking to bring Phil Mitchell’s 56-year-old brother to Stamford Bridge.

The Eastenders’ star, played by Ross Kemp, caught the attention of the Chelsea owner on a recent trip to the UK. Sources claim that Roman was impressed by Grant’s toughness after watching an Eastenders rerun in his hotel room.

At times this season, Lampard’s team have been accused of lacking leadership, and the Russian thinks Grant could help instil some much-needed strength and grit into Lampard’s youthful squad.

However, Roman will have to wait to get his man. The Barking-born TV personality first has media commitments to fulfil, including the filming of his latest series Ross Kemp on VAR, which according to his agent, could run into early February.

Chelsea Still Keen on a Deal for Rice, Negotiations Underway

According to multiple reports, Chelsea are still keen on a deal for rice this January. The club’s hierarchy are pushing hard to secure an agreement between the two parties, and hope to have a deal over the line before the end of the month.

However, negotiations have so far reached a stumbling block with Uncle Ben’s refusing to budge on their £3 per kilo asking price. The Chelsea board also have several cheaper options on the table, and while Uncle Ben’s rice is undoubtedly their first choice, they’re willing to look elsewhere if their proposed deal is rebuffed.

It’s understood the club are willing to go as high as £2.65 per kilo and are prepared to offer a 6-year deal with add-ons to the Mars-owned outfit.

In the meantime, this leaves Chelsea’s club canteen short on much-needed carbohydrate sources during a time when Chelsea’s squad have looked leggy, lethargic, and low on energy.

Chelsea Fans Urged to Wear Kepa Arrizabalaga Face Masks

Ahead of tonight’s Champion League match against Krasnodar, Chelsea will be distributing Kepa Arrizabalaga face masks to their 2000 visiting fans.

With face coverings being made mandatory inside the stadium, a club spokesperson urged fans to wear their Kepa-themed masks: ‘While the club has put in place various health and safety protocols to tackle the spread of the coronavirus, a Kepa face mask will ensure our supporters don’t catch anything.’

When asked about the decision to feature Kepa, the club responded: ‘Kepa has been exemplary throughout the pandemic, always keeping a safe social distance between himself and any shots on target.’

The troubled Spaniard is expected to make his first appearance since a niggling shoulder injury, caused by shouldering so much of the blame for the club’s poor defensive record.