Alisson Diagnosed With Kepatitis

Following Saturday’s late-game collapse against Leicester, Liverpool goalkeeper Alisson has been diagnosed with Kepatitis.

The Liverpool backroom team sought expert medical opinion after another blunder from their star stopper; the Brazilian has now made 7 errors leading to goals since joining the club back in 2018.

The condition was first discovered by the Chelsea medical staff last season after goalkeeper Kepa Arrizabalaga forgot how to use his hands and brain. And after 3 costly errors in the space of just two games, Liverpool’s coaching staff began to notice parallels between the two highly-priced goalkeepers.

The symptoms associated with Kepatitis are wide-ranging but, most commonly, the condition has an adverse effect on a goalkeeper’s handling, reflexes, and spatial awareness, while also seriously hampering their decision making.

The keeper underwent a series of scans on Saturday evening.

We don’t yet know if a correlation exists between the severity of the condition and a goalkeeper’s price tag, though, notably, the two hit hardest by the illness also happen to be the two most expensive goalkeepers in football history.

Whether Alisson will miss time as a result of his diagnosis remains to be seen, but whatever Liverpool do decide to do, the team at Total FootBull will be wishing him an extra speedy recovery. Get well soon champ 🙏

Klopp Regretting Giving It the Big’un After First Title Win

After a 6th successive Anfield defeat, and with Liverpool’s title defence in tatters, it’s believed Jurgen Klopp is regretting ‘giving it the big’un’ after winning his first Premier League trophy.

The accusation was first put to him by Frank Lampard following a tense touchline bust-up last July, with the ex-Chelsea boss telling Klopp, ‘only title you’ve ever won and you’re f***ing giving it the big un, f*** off!’

While Klopp initially laughed off Lampard’s suggestions, sources close to the Liverpool boss say the German has grown increasingly superstitious about the ex-Chelsea man’s comments and has questioned privately whether Lampard was right. A concerned Klopp reportedly told one assistant: ‘The success has gone to our heads. We’ve known all along that Trent can’t defend. And we know why nobody notices Firmino’s contributions… because he doesn’t f***ing make any. How could we have been so naive?!’

In recent weeks, in a bid to reverse a lacklustre run of results which has left his side labouring in 8th, the Liverpool boss has been drilling his players on the importance of humility, even bringing in boxing superstar Anthony Joshua to give a pre-match team talk. In a largely ambiguous 3-minute-long speech, AJ told Liverpool players: ‘You’ve just gotta stay humble.’

If Joshua’s talk hadn’t already done the trick, it’s safe to say that Liverpool were well and truly brought back down to earth after Sunday’s 1-0 defeat at the hands of relegation battlers Fulham.