Saudi Arabia Step in as Euro 2021 Host

Shockwaves have been sent through the footballing world today after UEFA announced that the 2021 European Championship will now be played in Saudi Arabia, following a successful meeting with the Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman.

Despite strong opposition from the FA, the decision is said to be final and Saudi Arabia are expected to begin preparations as early as next week. UEFA bosses have cited the Gulf nation’s excellent Covid-19 record as one of the deciding factors behind awarding them the tournament, and have that claimed money was never even a consideration, in a statement issued to press from a recently-acquired UEFA yacht.

When questioned by media about Saudi Arabia’s appalling human rights record, unforgiving climate and unusual location, a UEFA spokesperson offered a strongly worded retort defending their new hosts, saying: ‘Saudi Arabia is a proud and progressive nation, any lies you have heard are no doubt a result of Western propaganda, and it’s actually more reminiscent of Europe than you might think. The women are even allowed to drive nowadays.’

Mohammed bin Salman proudly announced that no expense would be spared, telling reporters: ‘Nothing will stop our stadiums from being completed on time, no matter the financial cost or the cost to human life.’

‘If Qatar can manage 6,500 dead workers then I’d like to think that, in the time we have, we could at least double that,’ he later added.

The entire tournament is now expected to be held between the 16th June and the 3rd of July, with the bottom team in each group expected to be hanged at the closing ceremony.

Scott Parker Forced to Cancel Family Zoom Quiz

Fulham manager Scott Parker is reportedly incensed after the Premier League rescheduled his side’s game with Tottenham Hotspur at short notice, the new date clashing with Parker’s family Zoom quiz.

The manager spent the early part of the week studying European flags, American presidents, and pop hits of the 90s. But now, with just 48 hours to prepare, he’ll need to switch his focus to Jose Mourinho’s high-flying Spurs side and the deadly duo of Heung-min Son and Harry Kane.

Speaking in his pre-match press conference, Parker said: ‘I am angry because it’s not right. It’s wrong. It’s our turn to host the family Zoom quiz on Wednesday, my wife Carly has been planning it for weeks. Harry, Benji, Paddy, their kids, they’re all gonna be there. My kids too, but without their father. It’s not right.’

The Zoom quiz will now go ahead without the former England international, with sources close to the family stating: ‘Of course, they all wanted Scott on the call, particularly for the sports round, but they simply couldn’t reschedule at such short notice.’