Lampard Set to Take Over as Amazon Boss

According to reports in Seattle, Frank Lampard is set to replace world’s richest man, Jeff Bezos, as Amazon boss – a job he has absolutely zero qualifications for.

Bezos stepped down yesterday following the announcement of Amazon’s Q4 earnings, and as the news spread, the company’s share price soon began to plummet. It’s believed that the strong market reaction forced the board’s hand, and with Tuchel, Pochettino, and Allardyce now unavailable, Amazon turned their attention to the recently-axed Blues boss.

Lampard, 42, built a career arriving late into the box, but will now be tasked with making boxes arrive early. And while his lack of experience may offer investors cause for concern, the ex-Chelsea man will once again have unlimited resources at his disposal and is looking to bring in the best talent available, providing they’re not German.

Jody Morris, Lampard’s right-hand man, is also set to join him stateside and is expected to take charge of Amazon’s flourishing Web Services business. Asked what Jody would bring to Amazon, Frank said: ‘You know as well as I, the internet is a young man’s game, and Jody has a lot of experience working with the youngsters.’

One person who won’t be heading to Seattle anytime soon is Mason Mount, with Lampard telling reporters, ‘my kids will be staying in London for the time being.’

When pressed about his plans for Amazon’s future, Lampard offered a stark warning to shareholders, telling them not to expect immediate results: ‘The company’s has had a great run these last 8 or 9 years but we’re now entering a transitional period, new ideas will need to be implemented, and I’d be lying if I said there wouldn’t be losses along the way.’

Following the press conference, Amazon’s share price dropped 3 points, something Lampard’s former employer will know all about.

Kepa to Attend Bedwetting Therapy After Latest Gaffe

Chelsea goalkeeper Kepa Arrizabalaga is scheduled to attend bedwetting therapy in a bid to help him keep a clean sheet.

Kepa’s girlfriend, Andrea Pérez, stumbled across the solution following a desperate late-night Google search, and while the remedy sounds somewhat unorthodox, it could have some merit. Bedwetting therapists are experts in tackling embarrassment and low self-esteem, and have plenty of experience fixing the confidence issues of young men.

One bedwetting expert told us: ‘If you want clean sheets then patience and understanding is key.’ But under-fire Chelsea boss Frank Lampard can ill afford to provide either, with his own job on the line after a string of poor results.

If therapy can restore some of Kepa’s long lost belief, and with Lampard potentially facing the sack, the Spaniard could see himself reinstalled as Chelsea manager – a role he assumed during the 2019 League Cup final.

Whatever happens on the managerial front, after another goalkeeping gaffe against lowly Luton Town, Chelsea fans will be hoping that bedwetting therapy can bring an end to Kepa’s marathon run of piss-poor performances.

Abramovich Thinks Grant Can Help Lampard

According to reports in Russia, Roman Abramovich believes Grant could be the man to help Frank Lampard’s fledgling Chelsea side and is looking to bring Phil Mitchell’s 56-year-old brother to Stamford Bridge.

The Eastenders’ star, played by Ross Kemp, caught the attention of the Chelsea owner on a recent trip to the UK. Sources claim that Roman was impressed by Grant’s toughness after watching an Eastenders rerun in his hotel room.

At times this season, Lampard’s team have been accused of lacking leadership, and the Russian thinks Grant could help instil some much-needed strength and grit into Lampard’s youthful squad.

However, Roman will have to wait to get his man. The Barking-born TV personality first has media commitments to fulfil, including the filming of his latest series Ross Kemp on VAR, which according to his agent, could run into early February.

Chelsea Fans Urged to Wear Kepa Arrizabalaga Face Masks

Ahead of tonight’s Champion League match against Krasnodar, Chelsea will be distributing Kepa Arrizabalaga face masks to their 2000 visiting fans.

With face coverings being made mandatory inside the stadium, a club spokesperson urged fans to wear their Kepa-themed masks: ‘While the club has put in place various health and safety protocols to tackle the spread of the coronavirus, a Kepa face mask will ensure our supporters don’t catch anything.’

When asked about the decision to feature Kepa, the club responded: ‘Kepa has been exemplary throughout the pandemic, always keeping a safe social distance between himself and any shots on target.’

The troubled Spaniard is expected to make his first appearance since a niggling shoulder injury, caused by shouldering so much of the blame for the club’s poor defensive record.