Benjamin Mendy Suspended Following Mass Orgy at Manchester City Training Ground

It was a day like any other for Kevin De Bruyne. He woke up, brushed his teeth, ate his breakfast, and then made his way to the Manchester City training facility situated at the club’s Eithad Campus.

However, upon arrival, Kevin was presented with something out of the ordinary. His designated parking spot was occupied – filled by an unfamiliar red Vauxhall Corsa. Now, this might not seem particularly strange had it not been that his teammates’ spaces were also taken. Hoping someone might come and lay claim to this mysterious row of vehicles, the players waited patiently inside their cars.

5, 10, 15 minutes passed, still no sign of anyone. With nowhere else for them to park, the players abandoned their cars outside and headed into the club’s training complex, hoping they might track down the owners.

Upon entering the facility, the players’ attentions were drawn to a chorus of moans and high-pitched screams coming from the direction of the first team dressing room, this ‘sent the players into shock’, according to Rodri. Fearful one of their teammates could be in danger, Kevin De Bruyne, flanked by Ederson and Aymeric Laporte, followed the sounds of the screams to the dressing room door. Using extreme caution, De Bruyne then eased the door open.

The City players were left flabbergasted.

Awaiting them was a mass of bodies, sweatier than Trevor Nelson’s scalp, tangled and intertwined, reminiscent of Harry Maguire’s man-marking during a corner kick. Stood in shock, the City players struggled to make sense of it all. Who was this seedy ensemble debasing their dressing room? Where did they all come from? And most importantly, who let them in?

Their answer was staring them right in the face. Amid this sordid sea of sexual activity stood their teammate, Benjamin Mendy, making sweet love to a pair of voluptuous Greek pornstars.

‘Benji, what the f**k?!’

That was the cry of Man City vice-captain Kevin De Bruyne, a cry which would bring the orgy to a standstill and ultimately to its climax. ‘What time is it?’, quizzed the fully-erect Frenchman. A seething De Bruyne shook his head in reply, enraged by his teammate’s actions.

Mendy recently faced backlash for flouting lockdown rules, after flying a girl over from Greece for a four-day romp.

The half-naked attendees hurried to gather their belongings, apologising profusely to the City squad as they departed the dressing room, before collecting their respective car keys from a bowl by the front desk.

What followed was an awkward, almost comedic logjam inside the City parking lot, as the orgy-goers, most of whom still semi-nude, attempted to manoeuvre their vehicles past the queue of sports cars and 4x4s waiting to make their way into the facility.

By then, Mendy was stood outside the training complex, apologising to anyone that would listen, all while wearing a women’s blouse. It’s believed someone else picked up his clothes by mistake.

Following a string of recent misdemeanours, this could be the final straw for the French full-back. Mendy is now expected to be suspended until the latter end of the 20/21 season, and as a result of the violation, Manchester City’s upcoming fixtures against Brighton and Crystal Palace have also been plunged into doubt.

Chelsea Fans Urged to Wear Kepa Arrizabalaga Face Masks

Ahead of tonight’s Champion League match against Krasnodar, Chelsea will be distributing Kepa Arrizabalaga face masks to their 2000 visiting fans.

With face coverings being made mandatory inside the stadium, a club spokesperson urged fans to wear their Kepa-themed masks: ‘While the club has put in place various health and safety protocols to tackle the spread of the coronavirus, a Kepa face mask will ensure our supporters don’t catch anything.’

When asked about the decision to feature Kepa, the club responded: ‘Kepa has been exemplary throughout the pandemic, always keeping a safe social distance between himself and any shots on target.’

The troubled Spaniard is expected to make his first appearance since a niggling shoulder injury, caused by shouldering so much of the blame for the club’s poor defensive record.