Liverpool in the Running to Sign Any Centre-Back with a Pulse

According to reports on Merseyside, Liverpool are in the running to sign anyone alive willing to play centre-back for them.

Following a tough start to the season which has seen the club lose all 3 of their starting CBs to injury, as well as frequent fill-in Fabinho, Liverpool are now in dire need of defensive reinforcements. Jurgen Klopp has expressed an interest in RB Leipzig’s Dayot Upamecano but the board won’t fork out for a top-tier defender in January, so have signed Ben Davies from Preston instead. Now, with the transfer deadline fast approaching, the Premier League champions are searching for someone to partner Davies at the heart of their pound saver menu defence.

Club officials had originally planned to bring in Meikayla Moore and Niamh Fahey from the Liverpool Women’s Team – both were practicing putting on a deep voice, with the two hoping to disguise themselves by going for a short back and sides. However, with new restrictions requiring barbers to close across the country, the club was forced to pivot.

Since then, the club has held talks with several free agents including Neven Subotic, Ezequial Garay, Pascal Cygan, Jean-Alain Boumsong, Jeremy Lynch, Steve Bruce, John Terry, Jamie Carragher, Titus Bramble, Sami Hyypia, Marc Klopp (son of Jurgen), Martin Skrtel, David Unsworth, Philippe Senderos, Kem from Love Island, Richard Dunne, Lucas Radebe, Sylvain Distin, Nemanja Vidic, Wes Brown, Winston Bogarde, Marcel Desailly, Roque Junior, John Bishop, Joleon Lescott, Rio Ferdinand, Anton Ferdinand, and Emerson Thome.

So far, all of the 273 defenders contacted by the club have rejected their proposed pay packet, with the Fenway Sports Group unwilling to cough up more than £2000-a-week + subs.

The clock is now ticking on the Premier League title holders. Will they get their man (or woman) in time?

Reddit Traders Inflated Pepe’s Price Tag, Says Edu

According to Arsenal’s technical director Edu, Reddit traders were to blame for driving up Pepe’s eye-watering price tag.

The Ivorian winger was acquired from Lille in 2019 for a staggering £72m, a move which raised eyebrows within the football community and even amongst Arsenal’s own board, who launched an internal investigation into his signing late last year. His lacklustre performances since have done little to alleviate their concerns, and the club are increasingly worried about the possibility of recouping their fee. Edu has told them to hold the line.

Edu didn’t clarify whether the Redditor theory was a result of the club’s internal investigation, or merely a chance to deflect blame and capitalise on this week’s Wall Street drama.

How Reddit traders could have achieved such a goal is not yet apparent. Some say they formed a 3rd party ownership group, while sources close to the club claim members of r/WallStreetBets bought millions of Pepe shares on Football Index, sending his valuation skyrocketing.

Edu’s comments, while tough to believe, have also raised questions about other stars’ exorbitant transfer fees, with fans asking if Reddit traders helped inflate the fees of Harry Maguire, Kepa Arrizabalaga, and even Willian who joined Arsenal on a free last summer.

Whatever the truth of the situation, as long as Pepe’s playing in red, it’s unlikely Arsenal will be going #ToTheMoon

Scott Parker Forced to Cancel Family Zoom Quiz

Fulham manager Scott Parker is reportedly incensed after the Premier League rescheduled his side’s game with Tottenham Hotspur at short notice, the new date clashing with Parker’s family Zoom quiz.

The manager spent the early part of the week studying European flags, American presidents, and pop hits of the 90s. But now, with just 48 hours to prepare, he’ll need to switch his focus to Jose Mourinho’s high-flying Spurs side and the deadly duo of Heung-min Son and Harry Kane.

Speaking in his pre-match press conference, Parker said: ‘I am angry because it’s not right. It’s wrong. It’s our turn to host the family Zoom quiz on Wednesday, my wife Carly has been planning it for weeks. Harry, Benji, Paddy, their kids, they’re all gonna be there. My kids too, but without their father. It’s not right.’

The Zoom quiz will now go ahead without the former England international, with sources close to the family stating: ‘Of course, they all wanted Scott on the call, particularly for the sports round, but they simply couldn’t reschedule at such short notice.’

Donald Trump Claims FA Cup Draw was Rigged

Following another easy draw for FA Cup frontrunners Manchester City, Donald Trump posted a message on the official @POTUS Bebo account claiming that the FA draw was ‘rigged.’

After City secured a plum draw against League 2 side Cheltenham Town, their two closest rivals, Liverpool and Manchester United, were then drawn against each other – raising eyebrows among members of the online football community.

Trump believes that the City Football Group, headed by Sheikh Mansour, are ‘totally corrupt,’ and that ‘they’re stealing the FA Cup,’ adding that the only way to prevent future corruption would be to ‘place a travel ban on all Premier League owners coming in from Muslim countries.’

Trump also spoke about the Manchester side’s Carabao Cup dominance, claiming ‘they’ve already rigged the Caribbean Cup… five finals in six years, it’s impossible. You’d have to be stupid to believe that. It’s truly impossible.’

Despite no evidence of wrongdoing on the part of Manchester City or the FA, Trump has called on ‘true’ Manchester United and Liverpool fans to storm Wembley Stadium and ‘stop the steal.’ The FA are now said to be on high alert.