Brighton vs Chelsea to Go Ahead Despite Bubonic Plague Outbreak

Chelsea’s clash with Brighton and Hove Albion WILL go ahead despite a devastating outbreak of the bubonic plague. The rare but highly-infectious disease has left 16 players, as well as six members of Chelsea’s coaching staff, hospitalised, with at least four expected to die.

Archie Butler-Port and 9-year-old Duron Walker-Carter have been included in the first-team squad.

Chelsea filed a request over the weekend asking for Tuesday night’s tie to be postponed. However, Premier League bosses rejected their application, insisting that Chelsea give their U12s a chance – the only age group at Cobham currently unaffected by the outbreak. It’s understood, 11-year-old Archie Butler-Port and 9-year-old Duron Walker-Carter will join up with the first-team squad on Monday, pending the approval of their respective headteachers.

Reece James put on a brave face for social media but is said to be in critical condition.

Chelsea Women’s manager Emma Hayes is now likely to step in for the bedridden Thomas Tuchel, who tested positive for the plague on Saturday evening. Speaking from his hospital bed, Tuchel seemed irate, telling reporters via video link: ‘It’s a joke, we have 22 cases of the plague but apparently no case as far as the League is concerned. So much for player safety, I suppose.’

Elsewhere, Liverpool’s Carabao Cup clash with Arsenal has been called off after the mother of a Liverpool ball boy tested positive for Covid-19. The game will now take place after the conclusion of the African Cup of Nations.

The Manchester United Black Friday Sale is now on!

Get on down to Old Trafford and grab yourself a bargain!

LMA Issue Statement on Behalf of All Managers, Collectively Rejecting the Spurs Job

The LMA has issued a joint statement on behalf of all of its members, turning down the vacant managerial position at Tottenham Hotspur.

Following a succession of failed talks with the likes of Julian Nagelsmann, Brendan Rodgers, Hans-Dieter Flick, Erik ten Hag, Mauricio Pochettino, Antonio Conte, Paulo Fonseca, Gennaro Gattuso, Ted Lasso, Mike Bassett, and Alan Partridge, the trade union, which represents Premier League, EFL and national team managers, sought to protect their members from further time-wasting efforts by Daniel Levy and his cohort.

The statement read:

On behalf of all of our members, the LMA would like to collectively reject the current vacancy at Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.

The prospect of managing the likes of Dele Alli, Eric Dier and Davison Sanchez is an opportunity which our members have no interest in pursuing at this current time.

Furthermore, our members don’t feel that achieving success on a transfer budget of ‘whatever we can sell Serge Aurier for’ is in any way feasible, especially without Harry Kane in next season’s squad. We are a trade union for football managers, not miracle workers.

Lastly, we ask Daniel Levy to stop reminding our members about the size of his stadium. After all, it’s not about the size of the stadium, it’s what you do with it.

Sincerely,

The League Managers Association.

Kits Inspired by Your Favourite TV Shows (Part 1)

From The Simpsons to South Park, The Total FootBull team have designed a series of football kits inspired by your favourite television shows. Drop us a comment below and let us know your favourite…

Taking inspiration from The Simpsons’ opening titles, this kit is emblazoned with the blue skies of Springfield and in sponsored by Homer’s favourite lager, Duff Beer.

Little Britain’s bright pink Kappa strip takes inspiration from Vicky Pollard’s tracksuits and is sponsored by Marjorie Dawes’ employer, Fat Fighters. Dust. Anybody? No? Dust.

Eric Cartman served as the muse for South Park’s slick City Wok-sponsored jersey.

Dropping off the back of a lorry near you, this bright yellow strip borrows its colour from Del Boy’s three-wheel Reliant and is sponsored by none other than the Trotters Independent Trading Company. Made by Abibas, it wouldn’t be Only Fools if it wasn’t a knock off.

Sponsored by Gus Fring’s Los Pollos Hermanos, this Socceroo-esque design is influenced by Walt and Jesse’s yellow hazmat suits.

Look out for part two next week, where we’ll be taking on The Office, Friends, and a few more of your on-screen favourites.

Tuchel Takes Player Criticism Step Further, Hosts Comedy Roast of Chelsea Squad

Following his harsh criticism of Callum Hudson-Odoi and Tammy Abraham after Saturday’s 1-1 draw with Southampton, Chelsea coach Thomas Tuchel has taken things a step further, hosting a no holds barred Comedy Central-style roast of his Chelsea squad.

As the players arrived at Chelsea’s Cobham training ground on Monday morning, they were led towards the canteen area where multiple rows of chairs had been set out for them, all facing towards an unoccupied microphone stand.

Once the players were seated, manager Thomas Tuchel appeared from behind a curtain and took to the makeshift stage that had been set up for him. The Chelsea boss gestured for a round of applause from his players before swiftly laying into his team: ‘Okay, before we get started, some Covid news. The UK government has identified 16 new strains in the past week. 15 of them were linked to Christian Pulisic’s hamstring.’ Failing to see the funny side of Tuchel’s comments, the American reportedly hobbled out of the canteen in anger.

Undeterred, the manager proceeded to tear the rest of his Chelsea squad a new one, next turning his attention to out-of-favour left-back Ben Chilwell.

‘Is Chilly in the building? Where are you, Ben? Stand up for me’, the Chelsea boss waited for the defender to rise before continuing, ‘people ask me why we call Ben Chilwell, “Chilly”, I tell them, “it’s because I’m freezing him out of the squad.” You can sit back down now, Ben, you’re getting good at that.’

After each joke, the German let out a loud purposeful laugh, which grew noticeably stronger as the routine went on, while his assistant Arno Michels made sure to punctuate each gag with a ‘ba dum tss.’

He then mocked Thiago Silva’s age, made the customary Marcus Alonso car crash joke, and later went in on striker Timo Werner, saying: ‘He’s fast and he’s German so he always arrives first to the pool, but when he throws down his towel he misses the sun lounger.’

On the subject of low-hanging fruit, backup goalkeeper Kepa wasn’t spared the managers wrath either: ‘Oh Kepa, we all give Kepa a hard time, but he’s no different from any other young man living in London, he’s worried about job security and finds it incredibly hard to save.’

With over an hour on the clock, the manager finally brought his performance to a close, and if their faces were anything to go by, the Chelsea squad weren’t impressed – with only N’Golo Kante left smiling at the end.

How well Chelsea’s players will respond to Tuchel’s impromptu roast remains to be seen, but if his team fall flat in tonight’s tie with Atletico Madrid, it’s safe to say that the joke will most certainly be on him.

Roy Keane SLAMS Wife’s Performance in Bed

A characteristically scathing Roy Keane has critically analysed a disappointing sexual encounter with his wife on Thursday evening. The outburst took place during a live recording of what was supposed to be analysis of Liverpool’s Saturday showdown with Leicester.

‘There was no passion, no drive, no hunger,’ began the former Ireland international, speaking from the Sky Sports studio as an alarmed Micah Richards and David Jones watched on. ‘After more than 20 years of experience, you never imagine you’ll see a performance like that. The least you expect is a little bit of movement in the box.’ 

‘A big of sluggishness can be expected on a wet playing surface, but sometimes it was like she didn’t know what position she was supposed to be in.’

Despite Jones’s attempts to bring the conversation back to Leicester’s defending from set plays, Keane pushed forward with his tirade, uninterested in the endless debate about zonal vs man marking. ‘And what’s with all this kissing and hugging? Back in my day you just disappeared down the tunnel and went home.’

Richards, sniffing an opportunity to further enrage his fellow pundit, gently reminded him that his wife Theresa has lost a yard or two. In typical fashion, Keane rounded on Richards, telling him that his wife had a job to do and that she can’t keep living off past triumphs.

‘I learnt that the hard way with United.’

Alisson Diagnosed With Kepatitis

Following Saturday’s late-game collapse against Leicester, Liverpool goalkeeper Alisson has been diagnosed with Kepatitis.

The Liverpool backroom team sought expert medical opinion after another blunder from their star stopper; the Brazilian has now made 7 errors leading to goals since joining the club back in 2018.

The condition was first discovered by the Chelsea medical staff last season after goalkeeper Kepa Arrizabalaga forgot how to use his hands and brain. And after 3 costly errors in the space of just two games, Liverpool’s coaching staff began to notice parallels between the two highly-priced goalkeepers.

The symptoms associated with Kepatitis are wide-ranging but, most commonly, the condition has an adverse effect on a goalkeeper’s handling, reflexes, and spatial awareness, while also seriously hampering their decision making.

The keeper underwent a series of scans on Saturday evening.

We don’t yet know if a correlation exists between the severity of the condition and a goalkeeper’s price tag, though, notably, the two hit hardest by the illness also happen to be the two most expensive goalkeepers in football history.

Whether Alisson will miss time as a result of his diagnosis remains to be seen, but whatever Liverpool do decide to do, the team at Total FootBull will be wishing him an extra speedy recovery. Get well soon champ 🙏

Saliba Records Mikel Arteta Diss Track – EXCLUSIVE SNIPPET

Arsenal loanee William Saliba is back at it again. Following his controversial interview with French outlet RMC, during which Saliba criticised Arsenal boss Mikel Arteta, the French centre-back has escalated tensions further by recording a Mikel Arteta diss track.

Last week Saliba told press: ‘He [Arteta] judged me on two and a half matches. I would have liked for him to play me more. But he told me I wasn’t ready.’ This week, the defender has taken to the mic to offer a scathing rebuke of the Arsenal boss, as well as some of his Arsenal teammates, clearly still peeved by his lack of game time under Arteta.

While the full song is yet to be released, Total FootBull is able to bring you an exclusive snippet which you can listen to below:

Hook:
Arteta, je suis better than David Luiz/ Arteta, gone regret(a) not playing me g
Arsenal’s best defender? That’s Willie Sali(ba)/ Arteta’s best defender, ask AFTV (please)

Verse:
Hey Mikel Arteta, why you so upset, huh?/ I’ll fire shots like Lacazette and pull out my Beretta
Hey Mikel Arteta, why you so upset, huh? Fire shots like Aubameyang, all you’ll hear is bang bang bang

It’s not yet clear whether the Spaniard will respond, though he was reportedly apoplectic upon hearing the diss. Sources close to Arteta claim that he’s since reached out to Bradley Wright-Phillips, Lord of the Mics participant and son of Arsenal legend Ian Wright, as he gets to grips with penning a retort.

Whatever happens from here, it’s safe to say that Arteta has 99 problems right now, and William Saliba is certainly one.

Klopp Regretting Giving It the Big’un After First Title Win

After a 6th successive Anfield defeat, and with Liverpool’s title defence in tatters, it’s believed Jurgen Klopp is regretting ‘giving it the big’un’ after winning his first Premier League trophy.

The accusation was first put to him by Frank Lampard following a tense touchline bust-up last July, with the ex-Chelsea boss telling Klopp, ‘only title you’ve ever won and you’re f***ing giving it the big un, f*** off!’

While Klopp initially laughed off Lampard’s suggestions, sources close to the Liverpool boss say the German has grown increasingly superstitious about the ex-Chelsea man’s comments and has questioned privately whether Lampard was right. A concerned Klopp reportedly told one assistant: ‘The success has gone to our heads. We’ve known all along that Trent can’t defend. And we know why nobody notices Firmino’s contributions… because he doesn’t f***ing make any. How could we have been so naive?!’

In recent weeks, in a bid to reverse a lacklustre run of results which has left his side labouring in 8th, the Liverpool boss has been drilling his players on the importance of humility, even bringing in boxing superstar Anthony Joshua to give a pre-match team talk. In a largely ambiguous 3-minute-long speech, AJ told Liverpool players: ‘You’ve just gotta stay humble.’

If Joshua’s talk hadn’t already done the trick, it’s safe to say that Liverpool were well and truly brought back down to earth after Sunday’s 1-0 defeat at the hands of relegation battlers Fulham.

Lampard Set to Take Over as Amazon Boss

According to reports in Seattle, Frank Lampard is set to replace world’s richest man, Jeff Bezos, as Amazon boss – a job he has absolutely zero qualifications for.

Bezos stepped down yesterday following the announcement of Amazon’s Q4 earnings, and as the news spread, the company’s share price soon began to plummet. It’s believed that the strong market reaction forced the board’s hand, and with Tuchel, Pochettino, and Allardyce now unavailable, Amazon turned their attention to the recently-axed Blues boss.

Lampard, 42, built a career arriving late into the box, but will now be tasked with making boxes arrive early. And while his lack of experience may offer investors cause for concern, the ex-Chelsea man will once again have unlimited resources at his disposal and is looking to bring in the best talent available, providing they’re not German.

Jody Morris, Lampard’s right-hand man, is also set to join him stateside and is expected to take charge of Amazon’s flourishing Web Services business. Asked what Jody would bring to Amazon, Frank said: ‘You know as well as I, the internet is a young man’s game, and Jody has a lot of experience working with the youngsters.’

One person who won’t be heading to Seattle anytime soon is Mason Mount, with Lampard telling reporters, ‘my kids will be staying in London for the time being.’

When pressed about his plans for Amazon’s future, Lampard offered a stark warning to shareholders, telling them not to expect immediate results: ‘The company’s has had a great run these last 8 or 9 years but we’re now entering a transitional period, new ideas will need to be implemented, and I’d be lying if I said there wouldn’t be losses along the way.’

Following the press conference, Amazon’s share price dropped 3 points, something Lampard’s former employer will know all about.