LMA Issue Statement on Behalf of All Managers, Collectively Rejecting the Spurs Job

The LMA has issued a joint statement on behalf of all of its members, turning down the vacant managerial position at Tottenham Hotspur.

Following a succession of failed talks with the likes of Julian Nagelsmann, Brendan Rodgers, Hans-Dieter Flick, Erik ten Hag, Mauricio Pochettino, Antonio Conte, Paulo Fonseca, Gennaro Gattuso, Ted Lasso, Mike Bassett, and Alan Partridge, the trade union, which represents Premier League, EFL and national team managers, sought to protect their members from further time-wasting efforts by Daniel Levy and his cohort.

The statement read:

On behalf of all of our members, the LMA would like to collectively reject the current vacancy at Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.

The prospect of managing the likes of Dele Alli, Eric Dier and Davison Sanchez is an opportunity which our members have no interest in pursuing at this current time.

Furthermore, our members don’t feel that achieving success on a transfer budget of ‘whatever we can sell Serge Aurier for’ is in any way feasible, especially without Harry Kane in next season’s squad. We are a trade union for football managers, not miracle workers.

Lastly, we ask Daniel Levy to stop reminding our members about the size of his stadium. After all, it’s not about the size of the stadium, it’s what you do with it.

Sincerely,

The League Managers Association.

Scott Parker Forced to Cancel Family Zoom Quiz

Fulham manager Scott Parker is reportedly incensed after the Premier League rescheduled his side’s game with Tottenham Hotspur at short notice, the new date clashing with Parker’s family Zoom quiz.

The manager spent the early part of the week studying European flags, American presidents, and pop hits of the 90s. But now, with just 48 hours to prepare, he’ll need to switch his focus to Jose Mourinho’s high-flying Spurs side and the deadly duo of Heung-min Son and Harry Kane.

Speaking in his pre-match press conference, Parker said: ‘I am angry because it’s not right. It’s wrong. It’s our turn to host the family Zoom quiz on Wednesday, my wife Carly has been planning it for weeks. Harry, Benji, Paddy, their kids, they’re all gonna be there. My kids too, but without their father. It’s not right.’

The Zoom quiz will now go ahead without the former England international, with sources close to the family stating: ‘Of course, they all wanted Scott on the call, particularly for the sports round, but they simply couldn’t reschedule at such short notice.’

Reguilón Injured After Strong Condemnation From Tottenham Bosses

Spanish full-back Sergio Reguilón could be set for an extended spell on the sidelines following an incident at Tottenham’s Enfield Training Centre.

According to eyewitnesses, having been strongly condemned by Jose Mourinho and Spurs owner, Dan Levy, Reguilón went down clutching his left knee in agony and was stretchered off by club doctors.

The club issued the condemnation after the Spaniard was pictured celebrating Christmas alongside teammates Giovani Lo Celso, Erik Lamela, and their respective families, in a clear breach of Premier League Covid regulations.

The punishment was undoubtedly warranted but the Tottenham hierarchy now faces questions about the strength of their condemnation, with fans calling it ‘needlessly reckless’, ‘dangerous’, and ‘not in the Christmas spirit’.

Lo Celso and Lamela also picked up knocks following their condemnations and are both expected to miss 10 days of action while Reguilón will begin his recovery on the bench against Leeds.