Brighton vs Chelsea to Go Ahead Despite Bubonic Plague Outbreak

Chelsea’s clash with Brighton and Hove Albion WILL go ahead despite a devastating outbreak of the bubonic plague. The rare but highly-infectious disease has left 16 players, as well as six members of Chelsea’s coaching staff, hospitalised, with at least four expected to die.

Archie Butler-Port and 9-year-old Duron Walker-Carter have been included in the first-team squad.

Chelsea filed a request over the weekend asking for Tuesday night’s tie to be postponed. However, Premier League bosses rejected their application, insisting that Chelsea give their U12s a chance – the only age group at Cobham currently unaffected by the outbreak. It’s understood, 11-year-old Archie Butler-Port and 9-year-old Duron Walker-Carter will join up with the first-team squad on Monday, pending the approval of their respective headteachers.

Reece James put on a brave face for social media but is said to be in critical condition.

Chelsea Women’s manager Emma Hayes is now likely to step in for the bedridden Thomas Tuchel, who tested positive for the plague on Saturday evening. Speaking from his hospital bed, Tuchel seemed irate, telling reporters via video link: ‘It’s a joke, we have 22 cases of the plague but apparently no case as far as the League is concerned. So much for player safety, I suppose.’

Elsewhere, Liverpool’s Carabao Cup clash with Arsenal has been called off after the mother of a Liverpool ball boy tested positive for Covid-19. The game will now take place after the conclusion of the African Cup of Nations.

Tuchel Takes Player Criticism Step Further, Hosts Comedy Roast of Chelsea Squad

Following his harsh criticism of Callum Hudson-Odoi and Tammy Abraham after Saturday’s 1-1 draw with Southampton, Chelsea coach Thomas Tuchel has taken things a step further, hosting a no holds barred Comedy Central-style roast of his Chelsea squad.

As the players arrived at Chelsea’s Cobham training ground on Monday morning, they were led towards the canteen area where multiple rows of chairs had been set out for them, all facing towards an unoccupied microphone stand.

Once the players were seated, manager Thomas Tuchel appeared from behind a curtain and took to the makeshift stage that had been set up for him. The Chelsea boss gestured for a round of applause from his players before swiftly laying into his team: ‘Okay, before we get started, some Covid news. The UK government has identified 16 new strains in the past week. 15 of them were linked to Christian Pulisic’s hamstring.’ Failing to see the funny side of Tuchel’s comments, the American reportedly hobbled out of the canteen in anger.

Undeterred, the manager proceeded to tear the rest of his Chelsea squad a new one, next turning his attention to out-of-favour left-back Ben Chilwell.

‘Is Chilly in the building? Where are you, Ben? Stand up for me’, the Chelsea boss waited for the defender to rise before continuing, ‘people ask me why we call Ben Chilwell, “Chilly”, I tell them, “it’s because I’m freezing him out of the squad.” You can sit back down now, Ben, you’re getting good at that.’

After each joke, the German let out a loud purposeful laugh, which grew noticeably stronger as the routine went on, while his assistant Arno Michels made sure to punctuate each gag with a ‘ba dum tss.’

He then mocked Thiago Silva’s age, made the customary Marcus Alonso car crash joke, and later went in on striker Timo Werner, saying: ‘He’s fast and he’s German so he always arrives first to the pool, but when he throws down his towel he misses the sun lounger.’

On the subject of low-hanging fruit, backup goalkeeper Kepa wasn’t spared the managers wrath either: ‘Oh Kepa, we all give Kepa a hard time, but he’s no different from any other young man living in London, he’s worried about job security and finds it incredibly hard to save.’

With over an hour on the clock, the manager finally brought his performance to a close, and if their faces were anything to go by, the Chelsea squad weren’t impressed – with only N’Golo Kante left smiling at the end.

How well Chelsea’s players will respond to Tuchel’s impromptu roast remains to be seen, but if his team fall flat in tonight’s tie with Atletico Madrid, it’s safe to say that the joke will most certainly be on him.

Lampard Set to Take Over as Amazon Boss

According to reports in Seattle, Frank Lampard is set to replace world’s richest man, Jeff Bezos, as Amazon boss – a job he has absolutely zero qualifications for.

Bezos stepped down yesterday following the announcement of Amazon’s Q4 earnings, and as the news spread, the company’s share price soon began to plummet. It’s believed that the strong market reaction forced the board’s hand, and with Tuchel, Pochettino, and Allardyce now unavailable, Amazon turned their attention to the recently-axed Blues boss.

Lampard, 42, built a career arriving late into the box, but will now be tasked with making boxes arrive early. And while his lack of experience may offer investors cause for concern, the ex-Chelsea man will once again have unlimited resources at his disposal and is looking to bring in the best talent available, providing they’re not German.

Jody Morris, Lampard’s right-hand man, is also set to join him stateside and is expected to take charge of Amazon’s flourishing Web Services business. Asked what Jody would bring to Amazon, Frank said: ‘You know as well as I, the internet is a young man’s game, and Jody has a lot of experience working with the youngsters.’

One person who won’t be heading to Seattle anytime soon is Mason Mount, with Lampard telling reporters, ‘my kids will be staying in London for the time being.’

When pressed about his plans for Amazon’s future, Lampard offered a stark warning to shareholders, telling them not to expect immediate results: ‘The company’s has had a great run these last 8 or 9 years but we’re now entering a transitional period, new ideas will need to be implemented, and I’d be lying if I said there wouldn’t be losses along the way.’

Following the press conference, Amazon’s share price dropped 3 points, something Lampard’s former employer will know all about.